3 years on

This weekend (March 17th) is the 3 year anniversary of me having my abortion. This isn’t an emotional time, it isn’t a remarkable time, it’s just a date that I remember every year. Thinking about how much of an awful time I was going through this time 3 years ago doesn’t upset me anymore. It was without a doubt the worst day of my life so far, I don’t want to take away just how difficult it was just because now it doesn’t phase me. I’ve talked about my abortion so much that the emotion seems to have disappeared from it. That’s the reason I love talking about it, it’s not upsetting to me, the story sometimes doesn’t even feel like mine I’ve shared it with so many people. It’s now just factual information, I had an abortion, it sucked but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Why I wanted to bring light to the fact it’s been 3 years is because of everything that happened in these 3 years! Everything that happened to me because I had my abortion, everything that is still to happen because I had my abortion.

I graduated from university, with a first class degree. A first that I got after making a documentary about my abortion. I went on holidays and trips with friends and family, made memories that I’ll never forget. I made new friends, moved house, fell in love. I supported my Mom with a divorce, watched my sister live her dream and move abroad (all of their lives would be different if I hadn’t gone through with my abortion.)

I started this website. The website that allowed me to talk honestly and openly about abortion, and is allowing others to do the same. This website means the world to me, my face and my story has literally been all over the world and I love it. This week I’m being interviewed by BBC Radio Manchester, and my story is going into the NHS archives to celebrate their 70 year anniversary. None of this would be happening if I hadn’t had my abortion.

All over the world in the last 3 years abortion laws have changed! Repeal The 8th went through in Ireland and buffer zones are being introduced across the globe to help stop the harassment of women and workers of abortion clinics. Manchester’s is coming up!

I’m about to embark on another great adventure by moving to Canada! An opportunity that wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t have an abortion. A lot of people have issue with the fact that abortion can be viewed as selfish. If it is, what’s wrong with that? Why is it wrong to do something right for yourself, to allow yourself time to grow and develop as a person. I love my life right now, and I’m excited to see what the next 3 years bring.


that MEN article

What a week! The response from the article in the MEN and The Mirror has been incredible.

I’d firstly just like to say a big thank you so everyone who has email/messaged/DM’d me, having such a positive response in a mixture of negativity has been so wonderful and I’ve loved all of your comments so much. I’ve been inundated with support and so many new stories and opportunities are coming out of this!

The headlines for the articles were very obvious clickbait - or even less than that for the people who saw the headline and didn’t read the thing. I knew these types of newspapers would spin the story on what would get them the most traction and I knew from the type of majority audience both these outlets have the response would be negative. I was right!! I haven’t read through the comments on facebook and twitter because quite honestly why would I? I know I’m not going to change people’s mind, this isn’t what the website is for - the website is to share stories, get facts and information out there then hopefully make it so the taboo of abortion can be talked about more openly, so people don’t have to suffer alone when going through this. I wasn’t about to spend my weekend arguing with people on the internet.

The majority of the negative comments were very clearly from people who didn’t read the article or they have little to no knowledge of how contraception/abortion works. Some of my friend’s favourite negative comments were:

  1. “I’ve read through the pill leaflets and the pill only stops working if you’re drunk! That’s how all 19 year olds get pregnant”

  2. “If I were her mother I’d have aborted her”

  3. “That infection she had must have been an STD”

  4. “You obviously had unprotected sex! What did you expect to happen! Silly cow”

  5. “Close your legs if you don’t want to get pregnant. Slag”

  6. “Me and all other women regret our abortions you are the exception”

And a whole load more!

The comments really and truly do not bother me, if people can’t see past a headline then my pity lies with them. I do have huge appreciation for the people trying to defend me and the article in the comments but the overlying theme was “read the article and stop focussing on the word proud.” To quote from one of the message I received “you can’t argue with stupid.”

Now onto some more positivity! As I didn’t give my permission to The Mirror to run the story and use images of me they now have to pay me! So I would like to personally thank the two girls from my secondary school that threw their delightful comments under that article - bringing it to my friends attention and therefore mine. Cheers! Drinks on you…

I’m so grateful for the amount of people I’ve reached with this article, and the amount of supportive communications I’ve had! I’ve been inundated with messages from people now feeling like they can share their story and they’d like to do so on my page! (if you would like to share your story please contact me!)

To end on an even higher high here are some of the wonderful messages and comments I’ve been sent:

Where would we be without women causing trouble? I’m excited to get more and more content out and share some of the incredible stories I’ve had the honour of reading.

contraception choices after abortion: implant vs coil

I’ve written before about getting pregnant whilst I was on the pill, and after the abortion getting on something that actually worked was pretty high priority.

I got the implant, I loved the implant, after its now ran its 3 years I’m having it removed. My GP explained that after a while the implant can’t stop bleeding very well due to the low amount of hormone it releases, and since in the last few months of the implant I started getting more periods and random bleeding she advised that this would carry on if I got a new one. Plus the fact that the implant sends hormones from your arm down to the correct area, if I can keep the extra hormones I’m pumping into my body to the one location they’re needed I’m taking that option. Coil city here I come! Another factor I’m interested in seeing is that my anxiety issues and panic attacks started after I got the implant, of course this was right after I’d had the abortion, but its not uncommon for anxiety to come with the implant, I’m hoping for an improvement with anxiety once its been removed.

There was a risk with getting the coil after my abortion. You can have it done immediately after but there was a slight concern with the infection I’d had in my uterus after my medical abortion. The GP said it might be harder to fit, but she won’t know until she tries, considering this is pretty much my only choice for contraception right now, try away.

I’m writing this bit before I’ve had the coil put in. I’ve heard all the horror stories, I’ve had friends faint and cramps that last weeks, but I’m not going back on the pill, I don’t trust it and it doesn’t work for me. I’m not going to put myself through the anxiety of being on the pill for what would should be a few minuets of pain for 5 years of safety with the coil. Implant and coil seem to be my only choices and I’m pretty excited about the coil!

When the nurse explaining about the coil asked if I’ve ever had my vagina examined I laughed, I’ve had more people look up my hooch than I could count. WAY more than is normal for a 22 year old and enough to make me not care about being open legged in the sirups anymore. You have one botched abortion and the whole medical world seems to be invited to snoop around up there.

Coil day is valentines day - very fitting. Can’t wait to be cramped up and coily in bed.

I’m now writing this part 4 days after I’ve had the coil fitted.

f u c k. It really hurt, I knew it was going to hurt but my god. I’m not a loud person in every sense but I let out a mighty groan of pain - no wonder we were in the room furthest away from the waiting room.
Upside however is that my GP complimented my muji socks and the pain lasted 5 seconds.

A fact no one had told me was that they measure you before they put the coil in, and that for me hurt more than the actual implant being put in. First stabbing pain went off, I cried and yelped but thought that it was over! The nurse then told me I needed to calm down and slow my breathing otherwise they couldn’t continue.
”Continue with what!?” After a few deep breaths I was unknowingly gripping onto my tits and said go for it.
Another groan, more tears and immediate cramps. I thought I might pass out at one point because of how quickly I was breathing but good ol’ nurse Mags calmed me back into a normal state.

Got changed into my joggers - do not take anything tight to wear after. I walked home as I live maybe a 10 minuet walk away and that was a big fucking mistake, it took me half an hour to get home. Stopping to catch my breath or for a wave of pain to fuck off. Home on the sofa - I’d taken paracetamol 30 mins before my appointment, wrapped myself up with a hot water bottle and watched James Acaster’s stand-up. The cramps were pretty bad, but I’ve been lucky to never really experience bad period cramps, I had them when I had my medical abortion and these were similar for the first few hours. My back pain was awful, I felt hot, sick and honestly exhausted. As it was Valentine’s Day I got treated to chocolates, roses and a take away; the take away I’m pretty proud to say included 2 whole pizzas for myself and 3 deserts to share. I then slept from 10 - 10 and took the day off work the next day (which I had to explain to the 60 year old HR man). Tiny bit of bleeding came with it but the cramps have carried on to as I’m writing this, getting a bit better everyday so far.

I’m a big hypochondriac, so I was (am) convinced that something would go wrong with my coil. Checking the strings that hang at the top of the vagina is something I’m struggling with, so far I’ve tried twice and haven’t been able to reach where they should be. If you’re not comfortable with sticking a few fingers up yourself this is not the contraception for you, in the first few weeks you’re meant to check every couple of days and from then on, every month. I haven’t got any friends who’ve had the coil so I don’t know anybody to ask for real advice on getting things right. I’m also worried that it’s going to have moved and broken through my uterus wall but I’m just going keep trying to check my strings and get someone else to try.

I’ve still got the implant in my arm, double doses of hormones coming at me; getting that taken out next week. If I still can’t feel it I’m going to get that doctor to check. An upside to the implant is the fact that you don’t need to check anything - there’s no risk of it falling out or moving around your body, you do just leave it, I am curious to see how much checking up on the coil does need.

UPDATE - felt the coil last night. All good under the hood.

my article for Subsex zine

I recently wrote about my experiences for the digital 'zine Subsex www.tinyletter.com/SUBSEX

I had an abortion. Words that come out of my mouth more than saying my own name. I love talking about my abortion, I love talking about abortion in general. Everything about it fascinates me!

I got pregnant on New Years Eve 2016, started the year off with a bang if you will…

Found out I was pregnant on the 4th March.

Had a medical abortion 17th March.

2 months pregnant

Got an infection.

Kept bleeding.

Still bleeding.

Go to the doctors.

Still bleeding.

Go back to the doctors.

First abortion has “not technically worked.”

I’m still classed as pregnant.

Second abortion May 20th.

More bleeding.

Bleeding stops.                                                         

Finally over.

Except for the fact the first failed abortion may have caused me to not be able to have kids in the future, but let us cross that bridge when we need to.

I love my abortion, it was the best decision I ever made. Knowing what I know now about how fucked up mine was, I’d still do it all again, because that is my choice.

When I was pregnant I went searching all over the internet for stories of other people having an abortion. I didn’t want medical talk or doctors giving advice. I wanted another young girl telling me what will happen, how she felt, how it really worked. There was nothing. I found a lot of what I assume are fake websites with hundreds of women talking about how they had abortions and now hugely regret them. Don’t get me wrong I’m sure there are a lot of women who have regretted their choice. But you’re telling me on the whole of the internet there wasn’t 1 person who didn’t? Not 1 person who could share their story happily and confidently? I do not think so.

Abortion is a lot more common than people think. 1 in 3 women in the UK experience abortion and I’m yet to meet someone who doesn’t clench up when I mention mine. I’m really fucking proud of myself for getting through all the shit that came with my abortion, the shitty boyfriend, the bleeding, the hormones, the hatred of sex and a lot more bleeding. Why do we not talk about it? Why do we try to hide this huge thing that happened to us? Because we’re expected to. Most people’s auto response when I mentioned my abortion is a look of sympathy and a look of dread that I must be about to have an emotional break down, I just wanna talk about it like its normal. It is normal. If I had the flu I’d talk about it, I got something that I didn’t want in my body removed, literally as simple as that. I’ve also had moles removed but people don’t go weird around that (well some people do actually but fuck them too.)  

I can understand why women don’t want to share their abortions, I’m sure for a lot of people it's tough and emotional, a difficult choice to do. In some places it’s not legal to have one, having to travel miles into different countries to access healthcare, and then not being able to talk about it with anyone with fear of being arrested or worse . I do not want to make women feel bad for not shouting about their abortions, which is why I want to shout louder about mine, make people feel more comfortable about them. I can’t expect people’s views of abortion to change and stop being awkward if I’m not doing the same. I talk about it, I joke about it, I still sometimes get upset about it, but I did it and I’d do it again.

There is an organisation called 40 Days for Life. Essentially they’re an anti-abortion group, I do not use the phrase pro-life as typically they’re not. They’re not pro-life of the girl, her wants or what circumstances got her to the position of wanting an abortion and they certainly don’t care once the baby they’ve “saved” is born, at a vigil a few weeks ago a Mother of somebody using the clinic came out and said to them “I hope you all foster children you hypocritical morons.” They stand outside abortion clinics for 40 days, trying to stop women from entering. When I’ve spoken about this before I’ve had the classic “free speech, you can’t stop someone from saying something just because it offends you.” Free speech is often an argument used to try and justify people’s want to say whatever they please. Free speech does not mean you can say whatever you like, whenever you like without consequences, something a lot of people seem incapable of understanding. If I stood on the side of the road shouting hate speech I would expect to be arrested, so why should people (mainly men over the age of 60) be able to shout, intimidate and assault women just trying to access legal healthcare?


This is why the buffer zones has been introduced. A legal safe zone around abortion clinics, in which people cannot confront people using the service. Most of the 40 Day for Life vigils include prayers, leaflets, accusations of murder and being condemned to hell. A bigger reason the safe zones have been introduced is due to physical attacks on patience and workers. I recently spoke to a professor from Aston University who has studied the 40 Dayers for years, she’s given me some details about the physical attacks that happen. The most common attack seems to be spitting, spitting on somebody who is going in to have a medical procedure, spitting on people just trying to do their jobs, physically attacking somebody for doing something you don’t agree with. Can you imagine if everyone acted like this? Let alone women just trying to do something they feel is right for them, or even in worst scenarios in which the woman has been raped, or assaulted or told that for her own safety she can’t carry a child, you’re going to a clinic to do something you wish you didn’t have to do to be met with somebody calling you a murderer and spitting in your face.

40 days.jpg

Another attack she spoke about was directed to one of the workers in the clinic, she finished her shift and got followed by a man into a supermarket. He stalked her around the aisles and finally punched her in the face, for going to work and doing her job. Thankfully that assault did lead to prosecution, but for other women who do get assaulted when going into clinics the trouble and hurt that is involved in a trial brings up the emotions of the abortion which is something that is easier just left to be forgotten about, or maybe they don’t want the knowledge of their abortion being made public? They’ve been assaulted and harassed and now have to tell the world about their medical choices, something that could be avoided all together.

SisterSupporterMCR

A positive to come from this is groups like SisterSupporter. Being a part of this group we maintain a counter presence outside of the clinics - with support from the clinic and the staff. When working a shift this includes accompanying women to and from the clinic, blocking the 40 Dayers from being able to go up to the clinic users and just generally being a supportive presence in the face of anti-abortionists. There are SisterSupporter groups in London and Manchester who are always happy to have new members and if you would like to create your own group please let me know and I can pass on your details to the right people.

I want to make abortions so much more common to talk about so if something does go wrong - the abortion itself, harassment, assault around the clinics, poor aftercare or anything else negative happens women aren’t afraid or ashamed to talk about it, they can know there is a network of supportive people around them.

I would recommend to anybody who has had an experience with abortion (female or male) to write out the process of what happened, their emotions, the physical effects, people’s reactions, all of it, any of it. It’s a relief to get it all out, no one needs to read, burn it! Shred it! Recycle it.. Put it online for other people to read, send it just to me, send it to your boyfriend, your ex, your Mum, your neighbour. Do anything that makes you feel good about yourself.

When I made my dissertation film about my abortion a lot of people told me I was brave, I really couldn’t see that, I still can’t. I am however really proud of my abortion and really fucking proud of myself then and even more now.

If you have an abortion story you’d like to share I would love to hear from you! Or anybody wants questions answered truthfully there isn’t a question I wouldn’t feel happy to talk about!

my abortion could mean I’m now infertile do I regret it?

In short - no.

After spending some time with other girls who’ve had abortion I’ve learnt how truly bizarre and fucked up mine was. Definitely not the norm. I keep wanting to talk about how bad my abortion was not to scare people out of having one, but even after how atrocious mine was, I don’t regret anything, and would do it all again if I needed to.

The only thing I regret from my abortion was not pushing for myself to be looked after better by the hospital I was at. They did a lot of great work with me (NHS in general has saved my anxiety induced hypochondria multiple times) and looked after me incredibly well, but there were things they weren’t listening to me about, they thought their expertise was more valid than what I was telling them was happening to me.

I got pregnant on New Years Eve. I then went on holiday with my family for a week, when I found out I was pregnant the hospital was insistent that I got pregnant on 7/8th of January. I know the rule of sperm being able to live inside you for 5 days, but even if this had happened to me the dates were still wrong. With the hospital going by the date of 7th of January when I finally had the abortion I was only a week under the limit of being able to have a medical abortion, which meant by my record of getting pregnant I was over the limit.

In my abortion I saw a full fetus come out of me, which after speaking to other people is not normal for medical terminations. When I went home they said I should bleed for around 2 weeks, at the 2 week point I was still bleeding heavily and passing huge blood clots.

Went back to the doctors, they said leave it another week.
Went back a week after, “You have an infection, heres some antibiotics should be fine in a week”
Back the week after, still bleeding “give it another 2 weeks” and it carried on like that.
Finally in May, 3 months after my first abortion I was given an ultrasound that said the abortion hadn’t worked properly and now I would need to have a surgical abortion - double abortion lucky me! The amount of tissue that was still in my uterus meant they classified me as still pregnant. The infection they had mentioned before had been there since the beginning and was still there 3 months later. An infection they told me could lead to me not being able to carry children in the future.

“We can test to see if this has happened… but only when you’re trying for children in a few years time.”
I knew when I was bleeding that something wasn’t right, I knew I should have pushed the doctors and said they needed to examine me earlier because now it could be too late, and I won’t know until I’m trying for kids and will have to experience heartache when or if I’m told I can’t carry them.

It’s the same reason I think I got pregnant - not pushing for the pill that I wanted and saying yes to the cheaper version. Knowing something wasn’t right with my bleeding but just accepting it. Push for your body and what you want for it, trust when you think something isn’t right.

Even after the complete fuck up of my abortion[s] if my choices really were to carry my own and have it at 19 or maybe having to struggle when I’m ready for it then I’d pick the latter every time.

If anyone out there could test me to see if I can have kids lemme know, could be a great next article.

dealing with anti-abortion protesters

“The Beginning of the End of Abortion” yeah right.

40 Days for life is an anti-abortion campaign, twice a year they spend 40 days standing outside abortion clinics across the world. Last week I attended a counter presence against 40 Days, where they stood outside an abortion clinic harassing and shouting at women to try and stop them having abortions, pushing leaflets and unwanted advice to women and girls who are already having maybe the hardest day of their lives. I’m part of a counter presence group where we stand in front of this group with pro-choice and supportive messages, in general try to protect people using the clinic from the shit-bricks stood outside.

My first shift we were very fortunate as none of them turned up - they don’t seem to be able to wake up early to do “the Lord’s work.” This is something that has happened a number of days as they simply do not have the man power to have someone standing outside a clinic everyday for 40 Days. In contrast, on my 2nd shift too many of us turned up to counter their presence, we’re bursting at the seams to support choice and abortion.

During my 2nd shift 3 vigilers arrived with signs to litter in front of the clinic: the classic anti-abortion images over exaggerated fetus' mothers and babies, Jesus on the cross ect ect. During this time a man came out of the clinic to ask what the vigilers were doing by being there. Man number 1 (age around 80) replied “We’re here to stop the murder of innocent babies.” It takes an awful strong will to not reply to such a hate-filled comment from a man clinging onto his rosary beads. How they can believe shouting something like that is really going to help somebody is delusional.

From personal experience of turning up somewhere to have an abortion, once you’re at the clinic your mind is made up. If I had seen or had to deal with vigilers at my appointments it would have just made me go to another clinic, their idea of “saving lives” is a cover to hide their spite against women making their own decisions. How many of them have adopted the babies they’ve “saved”? how many of them foster children in care? Or even give money to charities that do?

My friend wished me luck as I left to go and said “I hope its not too difficult for you!” This hadn’t even crossed my mind, I didn’t feel upset or sad about myself when I was there - there was this sadness for the other girls dealing with this especially since they had these crusty old men judging them as they go in. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel going to an abortion clinic, seeing these women who are in the same position I was in a few years ago but I felt this immense sense of pride. I felt proud for the girls going in that they’d taken charge of their situation and made the choice that best suited them and proud of the group I’m involved with to counter the anti-abortion presence. I’ll keep shouting about my abortion as long as I can because of how proud I am of getting through it!

I refuse to call people pro-life, as I don’t see them as so. They’re not pro the life of the woman who’s pregnant, they don’t care about how being pregnant might effect her, they’re not interested in what she might want to do with her life or the fact that she just doesn’t want a child. Pro-life gives off this fake aura of positivity and after standing face to face with this group for a few hours I can say there was not an ounce of positivity between them.

I don’t know what got them so fucked up in life to think shouting at people or saying 10 hail Marys will make them change their minds but, their anti-abortion and anti women values are something I can’t wrap my head around. Their main belief is that you shouldn’t have sex unless you want to have a child or as to do so is a sin…Looking at this group of people I don’t believe for a second that in their 80 years of life they only ever had sex to procreate, or lets say they did, I’m supposed to believe that they have never committed another sin? A lot of religious groups have a great habit of picking and choosing which “sins” they focus their attentions on. Some examples from The Bible:

1 Corinthians 14:34 reads:

“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law.”

translation: women better stay quiet in Church

Leviticus 19:19 reads:

“You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.”

translation: don’t wear polyester (I can say for certain all of the vigilers were breaking this one)

Some other of my favourite sins:

  • no seafood Leviticus 10–11

  • no working on Saturdays Exodus 31:14–15

  • no round haircuts Leviticus 19:27

  • no beard trimming Leviticus 19:27

  • and definitely no eating cheeseburgers Leviticus 3:17 

All of these sins they could focus on, they could go picket outside McDonalds for the sinners of the big mac, but no. They focus their attention on the women choosing what to do for themselves, because that’s what they’re comfortable with - questioning a woman’s choice.

Trying to stop abortion won’t stop abortion. When it was illegal here people still had them, where it is still illegal women still get them. Trying to stop abortion will never stop abortion, it only stops safe ones.

telling my dad I'd had an abortion

Just what every Father wants to hear.

My Dad cried when I told him I’d had an abortion.

I only told my Mom in my family when I was actually pregnant. Neither of my sisters knew, not my step Mom and definitely not my Dad. It wasn’t because my Dad wouldn’t have support me or my decision I know he would have, he’s not religious but he does tend to question a lot of my choices in life (job and degree mostly).

Not telling most of my family about my pregnancy/abortion I think was because I wanted to be treated normally by people. My university life was not normal I didn’t go into lectures for months and I didn’t hang out with anybody other than my boyfriend and his friends (who all knew). I was getting a lot of looks of sympathy along with this constant fear of being judged about it, I thought everyone was always thinking about the fact that I was pregnant which of course they weren’t.

Telling my Dad was something I dreaded, we are not an emotional family. We keep things on a superficial level, if we disagree on something I don’t argue with him about it. I’ve accepted we don’t agree on a lot of important things but, I don’t push my corner as I’ve just been labelled as the black sheep of my family. If being the black sheep means not voting Tory I’ll take that label and stick it on my forehead for the rest of my life.

I told the rest of my family about a year and a half after I’d had the abortion. I visited home with the specific purpose of opening up about it. I’d made my dissertation film about it, and by this point people were asking why they weren’t allowed to watch it yet. I was sat on my sofa with my Dad and brought up the topic of my dissertation.

“So there’s a reason you haven’t seen my film yet Dad...
It’s about me getting pregnant last year and having an abortion”

I immediately went into my rehearsed speech of how its fine, I’m not really emotional about it, it was what it was and its done now. He asked about how my boyfriend had handled it and if thats why we’d broken up - I tried to attempt a joke about the fact that no it was because he slept with someone else a week later and we were “just in general shit together.”

It went silent for about 3 minuets that felt like an eternity of me trying to guess what he was thinking, then my step Mom walked in (who I’d told earlier that day - saved telling my Dad till last to extend the self-induced anxiety stomach ache as long as possible).
“Why didn’t you tell us Ab?”

Then my Dad cried, then I cried because he was crying, then my step Mom cried.
They both focused on the fact that they would have been supportive and wished I’d told them at the time. I kept trying to explain that I just needed to do it and get it done, that I wanted to go home and get treated normally by people without getting this look of pity. A few days after I’d had the medical abortion we went on walk and I was not in a state to keep up with him and my sisters. The whole walk I was getting the shit ripped out of me for being unfit and I loved it, I liked having this self-pity secret; I was proud of myself for even going on the walk and then being made to push myself further.

After that day we’ve never spoken about it. I tested the water at our Christmas dinner making a some what poor taste joke. My Dad made a comment about wanting grandkids, and I replied “well your chance from me got literally flushed down the toilet last year.” As soon as I said it I knew I shouldn’t have but I couldn’t stop this smirk from being sprawled across my face - but then looking at my Dad’s eyes bulge out of his head and my sisters awkwardly looking at each other whilst trying to carry on eating their pigs in blankets I thought I should maybe find a better audience for the niche market of abortion comedy.

That’s why I’m airing all my dirty laundry on the internet.

I got pregnant whilst on contraception

Not all contraception works, even when taking it everyday, at the same time, this is something I found out in probably the worse way possible. I had been on Cerazette for 5 months before I got pregnant, I can’t remember the specific brand but I do remember my GP changed the brand 2 months before I got pregnant to “exactly the same pill but cheaper.”

I felt at every appointment I had about the abortion I had to mention I had been on contraception, I didn’t want to appear as someone who just took a risk or didn’t think about it. I’d been on contraception since I was 16, it was a part of my daily life that I never took a chance on. The huge bit of information that me and my friend who came to the appointment with me took away from seeing the nurse is that contraception just doesn’t work on some people, taking the pill everyday doesn’t mean its doing what its meant to. Donia mentioned to the nurse that she sometimes bled during the time she was taking the pill, and this was something that had been happening to me as well. The nurse then said that this meant the pill wasn’t strong enough for us and wasn’t doing what it was meant to - meaning we’d both been having sex when we might as well have been using nothing.

The pill not being strong enough for me was something that had never been explained to me as being an option when I went to see doctors about contraception. It was always just take this and you’ll be safe. I put my ignorance down to the lack of sex education I got from going to a Catholic high school but Donia said she’d never been told that either. Two women in their 20s had never been told that the contraception you’re on just might not work for you, when I’ve told this to other people my age there hasn’t been a single person come back to me and say they knew it, my Mom in her 50s didn’t know it either. Push for your own body, I wish I had said no to the cheaper option and stood my ground for what pills I am putting into my body every day.

I got really angry about this, about the lack of education I’d been given from doctors and sex ed teachers in school. Even now I learn so much about how a women’s body works that I’m embarrassed as 22 year old I didn’t know it before. I’ve had to teach myself biologically how a woman’s body works, because my school didn’t.

We have to do better to teach girls to know their bodies - it took me 3 months to even realise I was pregnant because I was sure every woman who gets pregnant has morning sickness and I hadn’t.

I’ve now got the implant and for me it works pretty well, the not having to really think about it for 3 years is something I love. Downside I sometimes get 2 periods a month, sometimes I don’t get a period for 3 months, which can be a lovely guessing game that means I have a constant supply of pregnancy tests in the bathroom, which thank god so far have only been a waste of time and money.

My hypochondria loves to play the “are we pregnant again?” game every few weeks.

how to support someone having an abortion

Disclaimer - you gotta have a bit of common sense.

When I first found out I was pregnant I phoned 2 people, the first was my friend Amy she was at pre-drinks to go out. I didn’t let on to what was happening, didn’t want to spoil her night so just asked that she phoned me the next day. Then I phoned Ash. Ash has been one of my best friends for years, we’ve helped each other in situations that neither of us deserved to be in and I just needed to hear from someone who knew me really fucking well, who could tell what I was feeling from my tone of voice.

I can’t remember the intimate details of this phone call but I remember he never asked if I was joking, which I would have thought, both of us being 19 at the time would have been his initial response. He asked if he could tell our other friend who he was sat with and then made some stupid joke down the phone to me which is actually when I started to cry, that cry when you’ve laughed and then it dawns on you that even if you can laugh you’ve still got to cry sometimes.

Ash is one of the best people to help you with something like this and heres why. He listened to me a lot, he’d sit on the phone let me cry and bitch to him, without trying to give advice because he didn’t know anything about abortions. It sounds like such cliché advice but I really just needed someone to listen. I didn’t want someone who hadn’t dealt with it to tell me how to feel, I didn’t even want someone who had been through it to tell me how they felt, because every single person deals with it so differently. He texted asking if I was okay but didn’t pester if I didn’t reply. Having a friend that knew me better than I thought he did was a true gift during that time. I wish every person going through this could have their own Ash, and if you don’t, I want this site to be a place to feel some comfort.

Something that really made me lose faith in a friend during this period of time was her annoyance at me not responding. Not responding for the weeks surrounding the abortion and specifically on the day I had the abortion. She texted while I was still in hospital asking if I wanted to go on a night out soon, I opened and didn’t reply, about half an hour later I got an angry message about how I never want to go out and it’s “so rude” that I had left her on read. Even writing this now almost 3 years later it still hits an angry nerve in me. You know your friend is dealing with something at the moment, you know that today is the day the abortion is happening, yet her priorities still lay with the issue she had with me. I’m not saying issues between friends need to be put permanently on hold when someone is dealing with an abortion or any shitty situation, but there should be a level of understanding there.

For a few weeks I had to completely care for myself, maybe selfishly but just look after me. During anybody’s time of difficulty it should be clear (or at least it is to me) to just let them deal with it, bring up your issues with this person later, let them ignore your texts for a while, if they don’t feel like organising a night out at the moment maybe just grant them that.

It’s a hard thing to balance when your friend is retreating into themselves and you’re trying to be there for them. Finding the right mix of reaching out and checking in without being pushy or hurt if they don’t reply is a combination that isn’t easy to manage.
But neither is being pregnant and having an abortion so suck it up and be a good friend.

telling my mom I'm pregnant and having an abortion

My support system at the time of my pregnancy and abortion was my Mom and a small group of friends I’d had since high school.

Most of my uni friends who knew seemed to have other things on their minds, or simply didn’t care. At the time I wasn’t really bothered about this, I was too focused on just getting it done but thinking back to it I wish more people who knew had checked in a bit more with me. The friends who did never did more than just ask how I was doing or if everything was going okay but that meant a lot especially when you’re dealing with something that makes you feel so isolated from everything. I think some of the reason more people didn’t check in is the fear around the subject of abortion, fear of saying the wrong thing and fear of having the person whose going through it breakdown on you and you having nothing to say.

I can take the blame here for having such a small support system because I didn’t tell anyone in my family apart from my Mom, I also didn’t reach out for help. My Mom and Dad have been separated since before I was born so I didn’t really need my Dad to know. My sisters and me don’t have a very emotional relationship, we’re all very awkward around anything remotely personal (probably due to my Dad’s lack of emotional output) not like we’ve known each other our entire lives. Then my Dad and step Mom, in all honesty I don’t know why I didn’t tell them when I was pregnant. I knew I’d tell them I’d had an abortion, but when I was pregnant I just needed to deal with it, get it done and then take it all in after.

Telling my Mom wasn’t something I was particularly nervous about, I’m very lucky in knowing that my Mom supports my decisions in almost everything I do. There was no fear of her thinking I was making the wrong decision or that she was disappointed in me, and for that I’m incredibly grateful. I just knew she’d support whatever decision I’d made, like she usually does as long as I’m not being an idiot about something. I’ve spoken to other people who have had to tell their parents that they’re in similar situations to the one I was in I’m very aware it isn’t the case for a lot of women and girls to have support from anyone let alone their families.

After watching TV with my Mom for about 2 hours I plucked some confidence out my ass and said I was pregnant. I said I already had my appointments booked in to deal with it and that she was the only family member I was planning on telling.

“Oh Ab my poor darling girl” - Her voice was pure pain of having to see your kid deal with something shitty.

She was mostly frustrated for me, she knew I’d been safe with everything, she knew I wasn’t naive about those things and she knew I wasn’t in a great relationship. Her main frustration was focused on me being put onto a cheaper version of the pill a few weeks before I got pregnant. This is where he anger and emotion went because it was the only thing either of us could blame other than sheer bad luck.

She offered to come to my hospital appointments with me, but respected when I said I needed to do it by myself. Drove to Manchester a few days after the abortion and drove me back home while I cried and slept.

Writing about it now over 2 years later, we’ve spoken about it multiple times. She’s said she hoped that this would be the decision I would make when I first said I was pregnant. She wanted me to finish university, to travel, live in different countries and be really ready for a baby if/when I finally decide that I want one.

I’m really lucky to have a Mom like her, not just with the abortion but with a lot of other things she does for me. Having the abortion and all the negative side effects that came with that have strengthened our relationship to the max, which really isn’t what I expected to come from it, but I’m very fucking grateful that it did.

If can find any silver linings from the fucked up mess of an abortion I had then I’ll take them and run with them.

an abortion, a boyfriend and me

I’d only been seeing the guy who got me pregnant 3 months before it happened. The night I got pregnant was the first time seeing him since we’d made things “official.” New Years Eve going into the new year literally with a bang - incidentally I spent the countdown to midnight crying into a random girls shoulder because once again he’d gotten too drunk and turned nightmarish, should have been a sign for how the rest of that year was going to turn out.

 

Mine and my ex-boyfriends relationship before finding out about the pregnancy was rocky, then knowingly being pregnant and having an abortion made it turmoil and I think that's the same for a lot of young couples who go through something similar. All our emotions got heightened, arguments became more regular and much more heated, there’s this new level of unknown stress pressing down on both of you that neither of us knew how to deal with. He had a lot of issues, drinking, drugs and mental health that he always seemed to brush under the carpet, not wanting to accept nor willing to work on.

When I was 4 weeks pregnant (although we didn’t know this) it was his 21st birthday, a group of us went to a club and he got too drunk and aggressive, nothing too different here. Something that was different was that he thought I’d lost his house key (he hadn’t actually taken it out with him) this lead to him drinking more, and getting angrier and angrier at me as he thought I had lost his keys. It all came to blow when he got cut off from the bar and he thought I’d asked for this. Having me backed up against a wall I got the full rage of a drunk 21 year old screaming inches away from my face about “ruining [his] fucking birthday”  at this point 3 random girls and the bouncer came over pulled him away and chucked him outside. After explaining to them that he wasn’t just a drunk cunt and was actually my boyfriend, I got advice I wish I’d listened to as they all told me almost simultaneously to dump him. I went and found him slumped outside and we went back to his (not before I’d stood crying to the bouncer begging to let him back him as I knew I would get the blame for him fucking up his own birthday.) He was drifting in and out of consciousness in the taxi and I was crying in the seat next to him, happy 21st babe x.

When we get to his, we both remembered we don’t have a key and we only left the club at about 1am so none of his housemates were in either. I try to suggest we should walk to mine but he is determined to argue about me losing his key which I know is on the other side of the front door. After around 30 minutes of screaming at each other and more tears from me, he punches through the window. This (of course) helps the situation in no way because theres 2 doors to get through to get into his house, so now his hand his bleeding and we’re still stuck outside.

“You made me do that..
if you hadn’t lost my fucking key and got me kicked out of my own birthday night this wouldn’t have happened! And it’s going to cost me £100s to fix that window that you made me break”

I’m really embarrassed by the fact that I stayed with him for another 6 months after that, this should have been a big enough wake up call to see the type of person he was and if my friends boyfriends had done this to them I’d be the first to tell them to fuck him off, but I think I’ll blame staying on the pregnancy hormones turning my judgements to mush and being 19 years old.

I’m sure you can imagine that somebody with those attributes didn’t take the news of me being pregnant too well. The very initial moment he was like any other boyfriend/friend would have been, arm around me and said things would be fine, this was the one of the only decent thing he did during the next 6 months (being pregnant & the messed up abortions.)  

Just to name a few things: he told a lot of people, some specific people I’d asked him not to tell, some people we both knew would tell more people. He turned up to the abortion appointment hungover and stinking of booze, complaining that this was the first St Patrick’s day he wouldn’t be able to go out drinking, asked me multiple times on the day how much longer I was going to be there and what was taking so long, suggested more than a few times that I should discharge myself against doctors advice when we’d been at the hospital over 7 hours. Then the big one, fucking someone else 3 days after my abortion.

There’s 2 major things that stuck with me that he did. A few days after my abortion I’d gone home to be looked after by my Mom, he suggested we didn’t talk for this time and had a bit of a break away from each other, pretty shitty but I agreed. I was sick to death of arguing with someone and really didn’t have anything left in me after the abortion, I just needed to cry and sleep. During this break, about 3 days after the abortion he slept with another girl, a girl I knew, someone our friend had previously slept with, someone I knew he spoke to sometimes but told me it was nothing, someone who after they slept together before I’d figured it out came up to me asking about him. He went round to her flat, slept with her then phoned me about an hour later saying the break was a bad idea and he missed me (I found out about the other girl about 3 months later). The other moment that’s stuck with me over 2 years since it happened was during one of our arguments about who knows what he said: “you killed my son.” I don’t think I need to explain the emotional turmoil this gives someone who has had an abortion, we also couldn’t know the sex but he knew the ways to upset me the most.

I don’t tend to regret a lot in my life, there’s usually a silver lining I can find from the most awful situations - actually being pregnant gave me my documentary for my degree, and writing this blog to help other people, having a real sense of pride about such an important subject. The anxiety I suffer from now due to the abortion has given me a whole new outlook on life, and I appreciate a lot more of what’s happening around me and I feel I have a greater understanding of people’s behaviour.

Yet something I cannot find a single positive about, something that when I see pictures or old mutual friends it makes my stomach feel hollow, is being with him. Being with him for so long, after so many friends told me I could do better and deserved better. Seeing him self sabotage almost every aspect of his life. I didn’t need him with me to have my abortion, I had friends and family offer to come with me, look after me but I felt I needed it to be done with him, I should have gone through it with somebody who really cared about me, and somebody I could still talk to about it now. Or I should have gone through it alone, I hate that he saw me in such a vulnerable state. When I bump into him now he has this look of self pity for fucking up his own life consistently along with a look of guilt that I finally realised I was above dealing with his toxic lifestyle.

 

I knew how manipulative he was and how he said the most hurtful things he could think of to really get to me. Me still not leaving is something I hate about my old self, yet as I’m writing this I have found a small positive, knowing I’m never going to stand for someone being so detrimental and full of shit again. Being around people now who happily point out and really appreciate my positive attributes has honestly changed my life, knowing how much I’m worth and that I’m not just here to pick up the pieces of someones bullshit.

A big factor to why I think I’ve never regretted the abortion is because of how bad my relationship was, how much me and my boyfriend didn’t suit each other. Even before the pregnancy I knew we weren’t going to be together very long, something I’d told my friends repeatedly. I do question why I stayed, after we hated each other, after he’d cheated on me, even after so many people told me to leave.

I can look at it now happy it’s in the past, he will be the worst relationship of my life, you date rock bottom you can only go up.

why am I sharing this?

When I've shown my film to friends and to my lecturers, a common thing I've been told is that I'm "brave." That's something I can’t see from sharing the story of my abortion. I know a lot of people don't want to talk about abortion. I know when I've tried to talk to friends about it, even if just in a casual way (mentioning that I was pregnant or my time off last year) every person gets very awkward around the topic. Nobody knows how to react, as if me mentioning such a big thing I dealt with isn't alright, or I must be crying out for a deep emotional chat, I can't simply mention it as part of a story or a passing comment. (My favourite one that people don't know how to react to is when I mention that the smell of fried chicken made me sick during my pregnancy.)

Abortion is so common in most people’s lives now, out of my best friends 2/3 of us have had an abortion. Theres usually nobody I know that doesn’t know someone (other than me) who has had an abortion. It’s so common now yet still such a taboo subject, it’s nothing I’m ashamed of and it’s nothing I think anybody should be ashamed of. There’s quite a few subjects for women we’re bought up to feel like we shouldn’t talk about, or if we do we should feel ashamed about it and I don’t have time for that, if I didn’t want people to know about something I’ve done I wouldn’t have done it.

I have been very lucky with the support from my family and friends about this project and the abortion, but I'm also very aware that when going through an abortion you feel extremely alone, and sometimes a lot of people are. 1 in 3 women in the UK experience abortion yet I am still to meet somebody who doesn't clench up when I mention mine. 

Abortion isn't something that women and girls should feel ashamed of, it's their choice for a reason, and they've done exactly that, made their choice about their body and it doesn't really concern anybody else.

Having such a taboo around the subject of abortion can lead people to feeling ashamed of themselves for doing it and this is something I won't let myself feel. There isn't a lot of times in life that you can say you're proud of yourself, and I am extremely proud of myself for having an abortion, still passing my 2nd year of university whilst having one, and dealing with the complications that came with my abortion, and for being able to share and raise awareness for the topic of abortion. 
If I can speak about my abortion comfortably and openly then why shouldn't you be able to listen?

anxiety 1 year on

I started suffering with anxiety after I had undergone a medical abortion in March 2016, my first symptoms of the mental illness was my constant fear of my imminent death, sometimes triggered by headaches or muscle pain, but a lot of the time it was something that was constantly on my mind: watching a film, on the bus, in a lecture, at work, eating, drinking, on holiday, it was a worry that had taken over the majority of my mind all of the time. Yet something that did surprise me about this was that I wasn’t afraid of dying, I was afraid about how it would affect the people around me, would my family be alright, who would tell them, what would my friends do, would my dog go on without me.

It wasn't only severe hypochondria that I was suffering with I then started to suffer with intense social anxieties. Friends that I’d had for years I was suddenly constantly worried I wasn't saying the right things, or that they never really liked me. The friends that got me through my abortion I felt only liked me because I was their other friend's girlfriend. I was always concerned about what I was saying rehearsing how I would walk into a room and say hello, listing off different conversation topics I could have with the different people that were going to be there.

I wasn't myself, I was a pushed down, rehearsed, nervous, over-thinker, and I was in constant fear that I wasn't liked along with the constant fear that I was about to die. When I was on holiday in Walt Disney World Florida with my Dad and 2 Sisters is when I think I hit my lowest point, nobody I was with knew about the abortion and they didn't know about my anxieties (my family would always refer to me as a hypochondriac and I wasn’t in the place to explain how bad it actually was) I couldn't go an hour in the "happiest place on earth" without feeling I was going to die in some sort of way.  

When I got home from this trip I started taking medication, these helped me incredibly with the physical panic attacks which then helped to stop the constant fear of death that came with them. After 8 months of being on the anxiety medication I took myself off them, I suffered with mild panic attacks as I had gone off them "cold turkey" (not advised) but after a month I felt more like myself, the fear of death for the most part has gone. I think I’ll always be somebody who over-reacts to something medical, but this I feel has come from being almost 3 months pregnant and not noticing, and then when I did; everything that could have gone wrong dealing with a pregnancy/abortion medically did. 

My social anxiety is something I am still struggling with on a somewhat daily basis, on one hand I have friends I have never felt more comfortable around and who I can be my true self with, but I do still have people I can't quite relax around and still maintain that fear of judgement and rehearsing what I'm going to say, I’m trying to decipher if this is my personal issues or their friendship isn’t right for me. I have become a lot more open about my experience and my illness with my friends and family members which has given us a new stronger relationship, but unfortunately it’s still something a lot of my family don’t really understand and don’t try to.

It's an issue so much in my own head that's a constant mental battle along with the battle of trying to get people to understand.

 

the process of a medical abortion at 12 weeks

I'm not a doctor, this was also over 2 years ago, I might get some medical information wrong, pls go talk to a doctor if you want real expert medical advise.

When I decided between having a medical termination or a surgical my choice took me around an hour, I went back and forth between the idea of simply going to sleep and it being done, and my hypochondria of being put under anaesthetic and not waking up.

In the end my hypochondria won, I didn't want to be put under and felt it wasn't described as too bad when discussing the option of staying awake. OoOH man was I wrong. I don’t want to scare people who might be going for this option but nobody I knew had dealt with this before and I wish I had been more prepared.

1 or 2 days before my full day appointment I went to see the nurse who gave me the initial pill, myself and my friend went I took the pill and got on a bus home. This pill begins the process of separating the foetus away from my womb. This pill made me feel sick about an hour later where I couldn’t sit on a bus without throwing up in my mouth so attempted to walk for an hour before the cramps hit me.

I arrived at the hospital with my (now ex) boyfriend at 11am and began the process at around 1pm, I had tablets inserted into my vagina (misoprostol) to make my womb contract, and then I was given tablets to take orally (mifepristone) to bring about the abortion, along with painkillers, anti sickness tablets and injections throughout the day. 

In my film Choice: My Abortion, I briefly describe the side affects these tablets the sickness and cramps, but these were the worst hours of my life; both mentally and physically. I felt nauseous the entire day, the only relief from this were the minuets after I had thrown up until the nauseous feeling returned. For me personally the cramps along the front of my stomach were not too bad, through the taking of pain killers, but the pain I had along my back was unbearable, I was writhing around in pain, hot, sweaty and bleeding through the nappy I was wearing onto the hospital plastic mattress. Passing blood clots is a feeling I could not get used to even after 5 weeks of it happening to me (this isn't normal, please watch the film to understand) so going to the toilet to pass blood clots and a foetus and then the placenta always into a cardboard bowl was an extremely uncomfortable 8 hours. 

Mentally I hit my low point 4 hours after the foetus had passed. I wasn't pregnant anymore but I still wasn't done, waiting for placenta to come out was infuriating. I could no longer walk around due to the cramps and back pain, so I was tired in bed crying, quite literally in a puddle of my blood. This was when I needed my Mom. Phoning my Mom and crying down the phone that I couldn't do it anymore is a feeling and a memory that stands out most to me from that day, even as a 19 year old who had moved almost 100 miles away for university, all I wanted was my Mom. My boyfriend tried to be supportive but he was only young too, scared and didn't know what was happening to me. If you're having a medical termination take somebody you feel completely secure around, they will see you in the worst states (I almost shit myself at one point so they've gotta be down for holding your hand even through that mess.) I wish I had taken someone who wasn’t my boyfriend, but our relationship was a mess before this and this was just the final nail in the coffin.

Once they thought everything was out I was allowed to go home, the cramps did stop almost immediately, but I just felt shit, the most shit I could possibly feel. I hadn't kept food down for hours, I'd been piled up with pills and just wanted to cry and sleep, which is exactly what I did for about a week when I got picked up the next day by my Mom to be properly cared for in a clean warm house, not the squatters excuse for a house that my boyfriend lived in.

Medical termination is physically and mentally exhausting, surgical for me wasn’t as harmful to my mental state. If I was ever unlucky enough to get pregnant when I didn’t want it I would go for the surgery. (I’m gonna hope that doesn’t happen but with my luck who knows)

 

my abortion

The full story of my abortion.

I got pregnant on New Years Eve 2016. It was with my boyfriend, I’d been on the pill for 4 years by this point and 2 months before getting pregnant my GP put me onto a cheaper version of the pill I’d been on. 

I found out I was pregnant in the hospital, I’d gone in after being on the phone to 111 about really bad stomach pains and they booked me in to see an out of hours GP. By the time I was there the pains had stopped, I was tired and just wanted to leave but I thought I’ll stick it out while I’m here. The GP examined me, felt my stomach and decided it was just a bad bout of IBS. As I was about to leave he said “Oh because you’re a woman with stomach pains we’ll do a pregnancy test.” Nothing too suspicious here, I always get them when I go to the GP, just peace of mind. 

He dipped a pregnancy test into my gar of wee, he dipped another and then says he’s going to get my boyfriend from the waiting room. I know what’s going on now, he comes back with my very confused looking boyfriend and says he’ll do a third test. 

“Its positive! Congratulations!” (March 4th)

Congratulations, are you taking the piss? Look at these two 19 year olds and really think if this is happy news. Now because of my stomach pains I have to be examined to see if its ectopic. Blood tests, more examinations and booked in for a scan. I don’t really have time to think about what’s going on, I remember sitting in the waiting room watching the episode of Benidorm where they find out the daughters pregnant. 

We go home, I cry, my boyfriend asks me what I’m thinking and abortion just comes straight out my mouth, it was never a thought, I was 19. I’m in my second year of university, me and my boyfriend do not have a good relationship and I don’t want to be pregnant. I call my friends cry some more and just wait for the scan day. The ultrasonographer knows that I’m getting an abortion by this point, so she asks if I would like to see the scan and hear it. I do, I think I have to, I need to know what’s going on inside me, I need to know I’m 100% about making this decision. I hear it, I see it I cry my eyes out and I want an abortion. 

After confirming this with my doctor they then book me in for the first appointment to start the process in 2 weeks time. I’ve opted for a medical abortion (I have a fear of being put to sleep) to read about the full process of a medical abortion please click here.  It’s painful, it’s messy, its emotional, I’m being sick every half hour and no amount of pain killers are helping me. This goes on for 7 hours. It is without a doubt the worst day of my life, but when its over I think that’s it! I’m finished I can move on now.  (March 17th)

Not quite, because why would anything ever be easy? I’m bleeding very heavily for 2 weeks, by the 2 week point you’re meant to have stopped. 

“Give it another week” the gynaecology ward. 

“Maybe you’ve just got your period? Give it another week”

“You’ve got an infection, take antibiotics you’ll be fine in a week” 

I’m still bleeding, no doctor is listening to me say that something isn’t right. Finally in May I get examined again and they tell me that the amount of tissue left in my womb means that I’m still classed as pregnant. I have to have another abortion, this time I opt for surgical! Might as well get a well-rounded experience.  (May 20th)

I wake up from the 2nd abortion and the first thing I ask is “Is it done? Did they get it all?” Finally 5 months after getting pregnant I’m back to normal. I go back to university, I break up with the boyfriend who turned up drunk to the abortion and then slept with another girl. I make the documentary about my abortion and graduate with a first. I move on, I write and talk about my abortion to the point where there is no emotion attached to it anymore. I love my abortion, it made me who I am and I’m so grateful.