an abortion, a boyfriend and me

I’d only been seeing the guy who got me pregnant 3 months before it happened. The night I got pregnant was the first time seeing him since we’d made things “official.” New Years Eve going into the new year literally with a bang - incidentally I spent the countdown to midnight crying into a random girls shoulder because once again he’d gotten too drunk and turned nightmarish, should have been a sign for how the rest of that year was going to turn out.

 

Mine and my ex-boyfriends relationship before finding out about the pregnancy was rocky, then knowingly being pregnant and having an abortion made it turmoil and I think that's the same for a lot of young couples who go through something similar. All our emotions got heightened, arguments became more regular and much more heated, there’s this new level of unknown stress pressing down on both of you that neither of us knew how to deal with. He had a lot of issues, drinking, drugs and mental health that he always seemed to brush under the carpet, not wanting to accept nor willing to work on.

When I was 4 weeks pregnant (although we didn’t know this) it was his 21st birthday, a group of us went to a club and he got too drunk and aggressive, nothing too different here. Something that was different was that he thought I’d lost his house key (he hadn’t actually taken it out with him) this lead to him drinking more, and getting angrier and angrier at me as he thought I had lost his keys. It all came to blow when he got cut off from the bar and he thought I’d asked for this. Having me backed up against a wall I got the full rage of a drunk 21 year old screaming inches away from my face about “ruining [his] fucking birthday”  at this point 3 random girls and the bouncer came over pulled him away and chucked him outside. After explaining to them that he wasn’t just a drunk cunt and was actually my boyfriend, I got advice I wish I’d listened to as they all told me almost simultaneously to dump him. I went and found him slumped outside and we went back to his (not before I’d stood crying to the bouncer begging to let him back him as I knew I would get the blame for him fucking up his own birthday.) He was drifting in and out of consciousness in the taxi and I was crying in the seat next to him, happy 21st babe x.

When we get to his, we both remembered we don’t have a key and we only left the club at about 1am so none of his housemates were in either. I try to suggest we should walk to mine but he is determined to argue about me losing his key which I know is on the other side of the front door. After around 30 minutes of screaming at each other and more tears from me, he punches through the window. This (of course) helps the situation in no way because theres 2 doors to get through to get into his house, so now his hand his bleeding and we’re still stuck outside.

“You made me do that..
if you hadn’t lost my fucking key and got me kicked out of my own birthday night this wouldn’t have happened! And it’s going to cost me £100s to fix that window that you made me break”

I’m really embarrassed by the fact that I stayed with him for another 6 months after that, this should have been a big enough wake up call to see the type of person he was and if my friends boyfriends had done this to them I’d be the first to tell them to fuck him off, but I think I’ll blame staying on the pregnancy hormones turning my judgements to mush and being 19 years old.

I’m sure you can imagine that somebody with those attributes didn’t take the news of me being pregnant too well. The very initial moment he was like any other boyfriend/friend would have been, arm around me and said things would be fine, this was the one of the only decent thing he did during the next 6 months (being pregnant & the messed up abortions.)  

Just to name a few things: he told a lot of people, some specific people I’d asked him not to tell, some people we both knew would tell more people. He turned up to the abortion appointment hungover and stinking of booze, complaining that this was the first St Patrick’s day he wouldn’t be able to go out drinking, asked me multiple times on the day how much longer I was going to be there and what was taking so long, suggested more than a few times that I should discharge myself against doctors advice when we’d been at the hospital over 7 hours. Then the big one, fucking someone else 3 days after my abortion.

There’s 2 major things that stuck with me that he did. A few days after my abortion I’d gone home to be looked after by my Mom, he suggested we didn’t talk for this time and had a bit of a break away from each other, pretty shitty but I agreed. I was sick to death of arguing with someone and really didn’t have anything left in me after the abortion, I just needed to cry and sleep. During this break, about 3 days after the abortion he slept with another girl, a girl I knew, someone our friend had previously slept with, someone I knew he spoke to sometimes but told me it was nothing, someone who after they slept together before I’d figured it out came up to me asking about him. He went round to her flat, slept with her then phoned me about an hour later saying the break was a bad idea and he missed me (I found out about the other girl about 3 months later). The other moment that’s stuck with me over 2 years since it happened was during one of our arguments about who knows what he said: “you killed my son.” I don’t think I need to explain the emotional turmoil this gives someone who has had an abortion, we also couldn’t know the sex but he knew the ways to upset me the most.

I don’t tend to regret a lot in my life, there’s usually a silver lining I can find from the most awful situations - actually being pregnant gave me my documentary for my degree, and writing this blog to help other people, having a real sense of pride about such an important subject. The anxiety I suffer from now due to the abortion has given me a whole new outlook on life, and I appreciate a lot more of what’s happening around me and I feel I have a greater understanding of people’s behaviour.

Yet something I cannot find a single positive about, something that when I see pictures or old mutual friends it makes my stomach feel hollow, is being with him. Being with him for so long, after so many friends told me I could do better and deserved better. Seeing him self sabotage almost every aspect of his life. I didn’t need him with me to have my abortion, I had friends and family offer to come with me, look after me but I felt I needed it to be done with him, I should have gone through it with somebody who really cared about me, and somebody I could still talk to about it now. Or I should have gone through it alone, I hate that he saw me in such a vulnerable state. When I bump into him now he has this look of self pity for fucking up his own life consistently along with a look of guilt that I finally realised I was above dealing with his toxic lifestyle.

 

I knew how manipulative he was and how he said the most hurtful things he could think of to really get to me. Me still not leaving is something I hate about my old self, yet as I’m writing this I have found a small positive, knowing I’m never going to stand for someone being so detrimental and full of shit again. Being around people now who happily point out and really appreciate my positive attributes has honestly changed my life, knowing how much I’m worth and that I’m not just here to pick up the pieces of someones bullshit.

A big factor to why I think I’ve never regretted the abortion is because of how bad my relationship was, how much me and my boyfriend didn’t suit each other. Even before the pregnancy I knew we weren’t going to be together very long, something I’d told my friends repeatedly. I do question why I stayed, after we hated each other, after he’d cheated on me, even after so many people told me to leave.

I can look at it now happy it’s in the past, he will be the worst relationship of my life, you date rock bottom you can only go up.